"There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last."

If any of you have ever been in the same building as me, you've probably heard me professing my love of Jonathon Larson's iconic musical Rent. Rent and macaroni and cheese are the only things that consistently cheer me up, no matter what's happening in my life. It is not only the reason I got into theatre but it is one of the biggest influencers in my life.

Rent is a rock opera, the first of its kind. The musical depicts a year in the lives of 8 New Yorkers, most of whom are poor artists with AIDS. Ironically, despite being written about the importance of AIDS awareness and research, Jonathon Larson died of an aortic aneurysm caused by undiagnosed Marfan Syndrome. Marfans is a condition that no one really knew about in the 90s, and in 2017 is still in need of awareness and research.  Jonathon Larson died the morning of Rent's first Off-Broadway preview performance. He died less than 24 hours from his work changing musical theatre forever. He died confident that his show was good, but unaware of the cultural impact it would have. 

I was introduced to Rent after I was diagnosed with Marfan Syndrome. Mom picked up the 2005 film adaptation from Family Video and my family piled into one chair in our living room to watch it. I was probably way too young to be exposed to most of the themes in Rent. I mean, it's a musical about anarchists, heroin addicts, and AIDS. I remember, at age 7, declaring that Mimi was who I wanted to be the most like when I grew up. 

Mimi is a 19 year old heroin dependent stripper suffering from AIDS. 

I didn't understand any of these things when I learned about Rent, and it took me until very recently to fully comprehend and accept my childhood role model's issues. I didn't admire her because of her career or her relationships or any of the reasons that I love other characters in the show. I loved her solely based on her life philosophy "forget regret or life is yours to miss." To be fair, this philosophy definitely contributed to her drug abuse and eventual contraction of AIDS, but I didn't know that when I was 7. 

I just knew that this 19 year old had AIDS when there was no real way to treat AIDS, and instead of making herself a sob story, she tried to enjoy what little time she had left. And I understood her.

7 year old Kat didn't really understand death or AIDS or Marfan Syndrome. I did understand that it caused many deaths including Jonathon Larson's and my father's. I was yet to meet or know of anyone surviving with Marfans. I sort of internalized the idea that I would die in my early 30s like the only other people I knew had Marfans. 

Mimi couldn't go back in time and un-get AIDS, and I can't rewrite my genetics and erase my Marfans. AIDS is definitely a harder thing to live with than Marfans, I know that. But somewhere in the back of my mind I feel a hint of camaraderie when the cast toasts to "people living with not dying from disease." I'm pretty sure that I have a lot more days than Mimi had, but when she says there's no day but today, I know what she means, and I think she's right.