A Letter to Crunchy Peanut Butter Eaters
Dear heathens,
For some unholy reason, there is currently no creamy peanut butter in my house. We have crunchy, and we have extra crunchy. To anyone and everyone who has participated in the crunchy peanut butter consumption that made my family think this was acceptable, I blame you. You will not be forgiven for this. And we need to talk.
What are you doing?
Why do you do this to yourselves?
Peanut butter should not have a notable texture past sticky. I don't care what kind of bread you use. I don't care what kind of jelly. I don't care if you skip the bread and jelly altogether and eat your peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. Doesn't matter to me.
Let's just look at peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a moment, though. The standard recipe is two slices of bread, one spread with peanut butter and one spread with jelly.
What we don't do is attempt to slather CRUNCHY peanut butter all over the sandwich and completely destroy the integrity of a classic. Y'all are disrespecting the foundations of childhood here. Is that a world you want to live in? A world where kids have to specify which kind of peanut butter they want on their sandwich?
If you want to eat half-squished peanuts out of a jar, you do you, I guess. But do not call it peanut "butter." Butter is a smooth, spreadable substance that brings joy. It is not, and never should be a glob of ACTUAL peanuts STILL IN NUT FORM stuck together by a nutty adhesive. Ew.
It's a disgrace.
It's disgusting.
It tarnished the name of the classic, always pleasant (given you aren't allergic), peanut BUTTER.
Sincerely,
an innocent child with unsatisfied peanut butter cravings
For some unholy reason, there is currently no creamy peanut butter in my house. We have crunchy, and we have extra crunchy. To anyone and everyone who has participated in the crunchy peanut butter consumption that made my family think this was acceptable, I blame you. You will not be forgiven for this. And we need to talk.
What are you doing?
Why do you do this to yourselves?
Peanut butter should not have a notable texture past sticky. I don't care what kind of bread you use. I don't care what kind of jelly. I don't care if you skip the bread and jelly altogether and eat your peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. Doesn't matter to me.
Let's just look at peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a moment, though. The standard recipe is two slices of bread, one spread with peanut butter and one spread with jelly.
What we don't do is attempt to slather CRUNCHY peanut butter all over the sandwich and completely destroy the integrity of a classic. Y'all are disrespecting the foundations of childhood here. Is that a world you want to live in? A world where kids have to specify which kind of peanut butter they want on their sandwich?
If you want to eat half-squished peanuts out of a jar, you do you, I guess. But do not call it peanut "butter." Butter is a smooth, spreadable substance that brings joy. It is not, and never should be a glob of ACTUAL peanuts STILL IN NUT FORM stuck together by a nutty adhesive. Ew.
It's a disgrace.
It's disgusting.
It tarnished the name of the classic, always pleasant (given you aren't allergic), peanut BUTTER.
Sincerely,
an innocent child with unsatisfied peanut butter cravings
Nice post. I too believe crunchy peanut butter to be an abomination. However I must differ from you on a crucial point. The solution will not ever be in convincing your parents to stock the fridge with actual, creamy peanut butter. No, all you ought to do is eat a jar of that crunchy peanut butter every day, for a week. I guarantee, you will never have to worry about a peanut butter craving again. Don't bother waiting for your parents to finally submit into your pleas, for that will only take more time.
ReplyDeleteI'll have you know I enjoy peanut adhesive with partial nut globs on my sandwiches. I respect your choice not to call crunchy peanut adhesive butter. But I cannot respect how you think this destroys the classic PBJ. In fact, I think the peanut butter adhesive with nuts actually enhances the eating experience by adding an extra bit of fun into the equation. When you have a sandwich consisting of mainly smooth ingredients, including white bread, I'll add, it feels like you're being fed through a tube. Crunchy peanut adhesive glob mixture gives it texture so you don't feel like you live in a nursing home when you enjoy it. I'm appalled that you would divide crushed peanut mixture lovers by the texture of the mixture they love and feel I need to defend my opinion. In the end we're all the same, but I cannot passively accept this attack on my heart. Long live PBJ. Peace out.
ReplyDeleteI'm literally going to find you and give you several tubs of crunchy peanut butter (I probably won't and forget). I don't see the big problem, other than challenging preexisting concepts through the use of skepticism and peanuts. I kinda like crunchy peanut butter, although it does realistically destroy the bread when you try to put it on. What type of bread do you use btw and also do you toast it? I never have, would that do anything to the taste (well it would, but what would it do though)?
ReplyDeleteI love this post because it's so vivid and passionate. However I must disagree with you. I love crunchy peanut butter because it's easier to eat. Smooth peanut butter is so sticky and gross, the chunks in chunky PB serve as leverage to eat.
ReplyDeleteGood freaking post. I absolutely hate crunchy peanut butter as well. The last thing I want to do after having a nice snack is dig little bits of peanuts out of my teeth like some kind of plebeian. I'm glad we're on the same page here.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree, peanut butter is called butter for a reason, because it has been crushed to become smooth. No one wants chocolate with cocoa beans still inside and no one wants peanut butter with nuts still inside.
ReplyDeleteI'm the type of person to be like people can like whatever they like don't judge them, but with certain things I'm like how, aka crunchy peanut butter. Crunchy peanut butter is just not peanut butter in my opinion, so weird how people can like that crunch. But to each their own I guess.
ReplyDelete